Lazing on a Tuesday Afternoon

"Through the haze that is my memory, you stayed for drama though you paid for a comedy. I know I can be colorful. I know I can be grey. I know this loser's living fortunate, 'cause I know you will love me either way." Steel Dragon OK, so it's been more than a couple of days. Or weeks. Alright, FINE, it's been 1 month and 2 days since I've been here. By now you should know that I'm a "fair-weathered" blogger. Look at that...I just blamed you, the reader, for me not being here. Why I don't have the heart for this that I once did, I have no idea. All my life I've enjoyed writing. Stories, letters to people, shopping lists. The least of these, poems, but I have written them. I guess when I mentioned I was coming out of my "funk" a few blogs ago, I didn't realize I'm not totally there yet. I don't really have anything particular to write about tonight. It was just one of those rare occasions that I felt like doing so. But, I guess I should make mention of the last one, like always. First of all, I want to thank all of you who left comments and have been encouraging to me through this process of should I or shouldn't I have surgery. It really has helped me make up my mind. And I have...sort of. Well, I finally made the choice and felt at peace in prayer FOR the surgery. I actually was leaning more towards the Gastric-Sleeve, and that's the one, I'm happy to report, that I'm going to go with....eventually. I talked to the insurance people and apparently bariatric surgery is not something they cover. It's something that our (well, Larry's) employer would have had to pay into in order for us to pay into it, and of course, they did not. Larry, being the dear that he is, said that we could finance it. Where as there is a lot of medical financing to grab hold of out there, it's still not something we can afford right now. The best loan with the best interest rate we found would still be more than our car payment, so....I guess my dream of looking like Beyonce by this Christmas is on hold for now. Maybe by Easter of 2012, huh?? Stay tuned! =) Like I said, I really don't have anything to write about. Though, the more I sit here and bang on these letters, the more I feel I might. Maybe I just enjoy typing, I don't know. Everything seems to be running very smoothly right now. Kids are great. I have the husband of all husbands. I have a small handful of friends who I love and who I try to keep up with. If not daily, weekly. Dad got a good report at the Dr. the other day. Yep. I'd say things are close to perfection. Gosh, now that I said it out loud, it's kinda scary. Like I should be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like I should be waiting for it all to fall apart. Why am I "shoulding" all over myself? Could it be? That I'm a pessimist? Naah. OK, maybe just a little, but who could blame me? I prayed and prayed for just one "normal" day after the steam of crappy ones I've had. Look at this...I'm finally on a winners streak, and I complain still. Pity: Party of One?! Alright, enough! It's over. My quota in the complaint box is full. Once again, thanks so much for coming and listening to me rant on and on about nothing. I'm trying to get into bed earlier and earlier each time. Last night was 1:30am, which sounds bad, but was actually good for me. It's 12:07 now. I think I'll go post this on Facebook right quick, then head off to bed. Good Night everyone!! =)

The Last Resort

"The slate will soon be clean. I'll erase the memories, just to start again with someBODY new..." Queen


Before I tell you the real reason I came here tonight, you wanna know something amazing? It took Larry and I almost 10 years, 6 kids, 9 cars, 8 homes, countless tears and laughter beyond infinity to come to realize something....each other! I got more insight into that man during the 3 weeks he was here on sick leave than I ever have before. Not only that, but he has called me every single day since he's been back on the road. Do you know what this means? It means he loves me. Or rather, it means I finally excepted the fact that he could and probably always has. We made so much love in those 3 weeks! And I'm not just talking about sex. We had conversations. Real conversations. And for the first time in our entire life together, I laid in bed next to my husband in bed naked and had not a care in the world. Usually I can't even change my shirt if he's in the room. I was so liberating, I laid there and cried myself to sleep. To finally realize that the person you married is not just your husband or wife, but the person who God created just for you is His image. There was a moment during our last night here before he went back to work that I swear our hearts were beating at the same speed. I wallowed in the guilt of having not realized these things a million years ago, but only for a moment. Just long enough for God to let me know that He doesn't want me to look to the past, He wants me to relax and enjoy the gift that is today. *Ahhhhhhh*
So, thank you for letting me share that right quick with you. And thank you, Jesus, for allowing me this time to get to know my precious husband. (Amen.) And thank you, Larry, for just being who you have always been.


OK; real reason......

A couple of Saturday's ago, we went to 'New Hope Bariatric Center' and sat in on a seminar explaining the 'LapBand' & 'Gastric Sleeve' surgeries.

I think I'm leaning more toward the sleeve. You'll have to forgive me for not going into depth, but I've thought and thought and talked and talked about this until even I'M tired of it!! So, here's what I'll do, if you'd be willing to do a little homework assignment for me. I'm gonna leave a link to the website. If you go under the "procedures" tab, it has a video and several paragraphs explaining each one. I'd love to know what you think are the pros and cons of each one.

Don't get me totally wrong...I DO have more to say on this, but I'm just kinda drained from talking about it. So, I'll leave here for a few days. If you want, you can read or watch what they have to say about the 2 procedures. I'll then check back in a few days to see what kind of insight awaits me, then I'll open another blog and let you know what I found out. Sound good?

Thank you all so much!!

http://www.malleysurgical.com/

Where has Jessica been?

"I keep a journal of memories. I'm feeling lonely, I just can't breath. I fell to pieces, and I'm still falling..." Velvet Revolver.





Hello again Blog Followers! I can't believe it's been so long since I've been here. If you read my previous blog about the situation going on while my step-daughter was living here, I guess that's the reason why. I think I associated it with some bad memories and I just didn't have the heart to come back. Well, usually when I write, I like to pick up right from where I left off, plus give an update on whatever I was writing about before I start a new topic. I think I'll keep that grand tradition going, except this time, I'll do it a little differently. In my last entry, I gave a list of things that I had hoped to write about blog-by-blog. Seeing as I'm so far behind, I think I'll do that list in paragraphs here in this blog, then I'll let you know what I've been up to, and why it's taken me so long to get here. How's that sound?

**(OK, I just looked it up so I'd remember my list, and it wasn't the last entry, it was entry before last, but you'll get the idea. Then I'll let ya know how my little "business deal" went!)



1. Went on Vacation



The vacation I'm referring to was last Summer (2010). We drove to California to visit my family. We primarily stayed with my brother and my aunt. To be honest, I was very nervous about going. So much so that I wanted to back out more than a few times. I let my weight hold me back so much it's ridiculous! We really did have an amazing time! My brother and sister in law were the most gracious hosts (and my aunt too!). I met my nephew and GREAT-nephew for the first time. We went to Disneyland. I got to spend time with my sister and her sweet boys. Speaking of sisters, I got to introduce my children to my sister's oldest friend (who is also like a sister to, and has been for as long as I can remember)...it was precious! So, for those of you who had a hand in granting me this, one of he most wonderful times of my life, I thank you from the bottom of my soul! (PS: There are pictures of the vaca in my albums here on FB, plus, here's a link to a YouTube video. One day we went to Hollywood, and Joe decided to put on a show right smack-dab in the middle of Hollywood Blvd! Guess he felt the need to keep up, eh? LOL PS Again: If you DO watch the video, please watch PART 2...it's even funnier!!)



**OK, it wouldn't let me post the link here for some reason, so, I'll just post it in the status bar when I post this blog on FB...please look for it! =)





2. My best friend and her ugly divorce



All I can say about this is...she's an amazing woman that has come out on top from a really bad situation. She is beautiful and I love her and her kiddos very much!



3. Mollie's last year of VBS



I thought this might be sad for her, OK, ME, but it really wasn't. It was the best year the kids have had in VBS yet! =)



4. Mollie started Middle School



Honestly, for some reason, Bonnie has always been the one I've had problems letting go of. I don't know why, but her "firsts" & "lasts" are always the one that bring tears to my eyes. But this year was a little different. The ride to Mollie's first day of middle school felt like it took an hour. All I could think about was the way her cute little fat cheeks and her big blue eyes use to look when I was breast feeding her SO many moons ago! I pulled up to the curb, told her I loved her and to have a great day as I do all of them every day, she got out, put her head down and walked quickly to the door. I made it almost out of the parking lot before the water works started and they didn't stop until I got home. This is it, folks. She's on her way. And it's no longer by my side with her hand in mine. She's making her own way. I try each day to give them the freedom to grow, and I pray each day that I can cut my mistakes down to a minimum. That's all I can do, really. I love you, Mollie Grace! =)



5. Marital Problems



This would take forever to go over, and frankly, I really cant relive it right now. Maybe another time. Thank you.



6. Being the 5Th grade room parent coordinator



Not as difficult as I thought. Last year I was the head room parent for each of my girls, and that was a trial, so I figured this would be too, but not so much. I really am grateful to all the wonderful room moms (and the one dad!) that work so hard to make parties and special events so wonderful for our classrooms!



7. Being the middle school treasure



Well, I was demoted, if you will. I was struggling to keep it all straight, and my hubby thought I was devoting too much time to my volunteer work and not enough to my family, so they voted in another and all is well! =)



8. Housing Board Secretary



Please see #5.



9. We got a puppy



His name is Odie. Mostly because our cat's name is, yes you guessed it, Garfield! Which is really hilarious to me because neither one of them look anything like their cartoon counterparts. He's a purebred red Cocker. He's just a delight. Such a great addition to the family! My camera was acting up, and I couldn't afford to get it fixed until recently, (I don't know how to post pictures on FB with my phone!) so I'll post some pictures of him as soon as I can. =)



10. Larry trying to get a job closer to home



Well, that kind brings us into the now, so I'll explain that one as I go.





OK, I need to just say it....I think I'm depressed. Or something...



I can give any excuse in the book, but the real reason I haven't been here is because I just couldn't do it. I fake my way through each and every day. I laugh and smile when I talk to people. Someone asks me how I am, and my answer is always: "Great! How are you?". Tell ya the truth, I'm screaming on the inside and I think I'm starting to go a little nuts. This depression, or this "thing" whatever it may be is really starting to effect my whole world. I don't visit or talk to my family or friends like I use to. I rarely go to church. I only venture out of my house to go to the market or to take kids to or from school. I sleep even less than I normally do. I either eat WAY too much in a day or nothing at all. When you see those commercials for depression meds and they say that it physically hurts....well, it does! My back is always sore from tossing and turning in bed and my ankles are swollen a lot of the time from not getting enough exercise. And, if it's possible, I have even less of a sex life than I did before. But here's the thing....I'm stuck between rocks and a hard place. Yes, you read right! I said rockS because there's more than one! My wise and favorite sister has over come many adversities by living the philosophy of: It happened, now get over it. And if I took anything away from my older, yet, none-the-wiser sister it was: Don't let life bottle up inside of you....let it out before it gets our of control.

Thing is...I'm not doing either of these. The reason I don't talk to my friends and family is partly because I don't want them to know how bad this has become and partly because I'm SO exhausted from "keeping up appearances". I really don't wanna end up like my mother, where I just sweep all my problems under the rug, never address what's going on, tare down everyone around me and cry about literally anything and everything. On that same token, I don't really wanna end up like my sister either (the less wiser one) and sit around popping pills and smoking dope all day and talking about how depressed I am because things that happened 30 years ago ruined my life. There's got to be some sort of happy medium. Somewhere between tight-lipped and whine-bag. I just haven't found it yet.

On a lighter note....

In the midst of all the pain and suffering, God has delivered a beacon of hope. Remember my idea to start my own company? Well, it's not exactly like I planned, but as of last week I'm doing just what I wanted to do. I cook, I clean and I run errands for a living!

A dear friend of mine approached me with the notion of caring for her brother who has had a stroke. He needed someone to cook, help keep house, take him places, and run errands for him. So, now I work for this wonderful man and I have to say...I think it's bringing me out of my funk! I have a little more focus and drive now. Gosh, that sounds terrible doesn't it? I have a husband and 4 precious children here. I should be looking forward to seeing and taking care of them each day. Don't get me wrong, I really do. And, if you've known me for longer than 10 seconds, you know I love those people with all my soul. But they are right here. I guess I just needed to think outside the box a little bit.

Anyway, speaking of God and His perfect timing....this job could not have come at a better time in our lives. Larry has been out of work since the beginning of this month. He got really sick with what he thought was the flu and it turned out to be pneumonia. He had never had pneumonia in his life, and this one got him pretty bad. And what made things worse, I think, was....the weekend he came home, we took him to urgent care and the doc there said he had a "cold". So, we went home and I treated him as if he had a cold. And it kept getting worse and worse as the week went on. So, I took him to our regular doc and sure enough the x-ray confirmed pneumonia. So, all that time was wasted when he could have been taking antibiotics, in my opinion. Never-the-less....When he saw the doc, they noticed he had high blood pressure, so they put him on a low dose med for it, and made him an appointment for a follow up a week later. In the mean time, Larry called his boss to let him know what was going on. At first they told him that he couldn't drive on the meds the doc gave him for the pneumonia, so they told him to say home until he was done taking it, plus 24 hours so it would be out of his system, then call back and they would get him a new assignment. Somewhere between 2 teaspoons of Robitussin with Codeine and 1 cup of chicken noodle soup, Larry's boss called because he had talked to our doc's office so he could get them to fax him over his "get outta jail free card", and they told him about the high blood pressure. Yadda, yadda, yadda....Larry can't go back to work until his blood pressure is lowered. He went back to have it checked last Monday, and it was even higher. So, they put him on another med, and they will recheck him this coming Monday.

In short...my friends' brother's and Larry's afflictions are my gain. Listen, if any of you ever have a crisis, call me because apparently I deal with them pretty well.

So, where am I now? Well, I'm just here trying to matter. It's so cliche, but I'm taking "one day at a time". I wake up at 6:45 to tell Mollie goodbye before she gets on the bus. I sit around sucking on some coffee and a few cigarettes (yes, I know, I know! =p) before I wake Bonnie and Charlie to help them start their day. They eat and get ready while I shower. Then I wake up my boys to get them going. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I come back home after drop offs at Ridgeview & Sterling to a mixture of quality time with Larry & Joe and dishes & laundry before I head off to work. And on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I just go straight there after the girls are all in school. I get off just in time to get Mollie and that gives her and I about 1/2 an hour to wash the car, get an ice cream or just chat. I swing by for Charlie then Bonnie and we return home where all our boys: Daddy, Joe, Garfield and Odie are there to greet us. It really is sweet.

Honestly, I sort of can't wait for Larry to go back on the road. But, that doesn't mean I wont miss him any less. It's been fun having him home. It reminded me of before we had Joe and it was just us and the girls. Waking up each day side-by-side. Sharing in all the day-to-day responsibilities. Well, it was more like 60/40, (and these days, it's more like 90/10) but that's pretty darn good for a guy. (No offence, fellas.)

A wonderful lady once told me: If there's nothing left to do, just pray. I'm really trying hard to keep that first and foremost in my mind so I can get through my days like I mentioned. And I really do need to remember how much fun blogging is so it wont take me 6 months before I return. I appreciate your patients, readers. And this time, I don't promise to blog every day or even once a week, but I promise I'll try.

Well, whattya know? Scarlett O'Hara was right......."Tomorrow is another day."


**(PS: I usually proof read and end up changing a ton of things before I post. One thing I WILL promise is...I won't do that any more. What ya see is what ya get!)