"Won't you look down upon me, Jesus. You've got to help me make a stand. You've just got to see me through another day. My body's aching and my time is at hand, and I won't make it any other way." ~James Taylor
Usually when I know I'm about to blog, I sit here for a good 20 minutes, sometimes an hour looking through music to use as my theme. Tonight I knew exactly which song I wanted: "Fire and Rain". If you don't know the song, please download it, or you can go to http://www.songlyrics.com/ and type in the name of the artist or the song in the search bar. The lyrics will pop up, but there will be an option to listen to the song somewhere on the right side of the page. It's just so beautiful, and it speaks to me. He talks about how he's had good times and bad times, but how God is always there. At least, that's what it says to me.
Speaking of good and bad times...Last week we were served an eviction notice from our landlord. I hate using the word "lord" when I'm not talking about my Savior, don't you? There are plenty of things I'd like to call him, but for the sake of being kind, I'll call him "the owner of the house". So, anyway, yeah...evicted! I've never been evicted before! And honestly, at first, I didn't argue. We had not been the most consistent tenants. We have been late with the rent more than a few times. But, it's not by choice. When times were really tough, we chose feeding the kids above all. And lately, Larry has been working very hard and he got a pay raise on top of that. We hadn't been late with a bill in a long while. So, after the owner left that day, I thought: Wait just a second! I started looking through every file folder and drawer and cabinet and box we had with papers in it. I found every receipt I could find. I went down to show him what I found and he presented me with a list of every month's rent from November 2008 until now. He went back and charged us a late fee for every month on that list. Including the months we were not late! Plus, there were months on his list that showed we either didn't pay all of the rent, or we didn't pay it at all, when in fact I had receipts that showed otherwise. He claimed we owed him over $1500!
I gathered all my receipts and took them to legal aid to see what I could do about the eviction. They said unfortunately there wasn't much they or even I could do about it because I didn't have every single receipt, and owners sue their tenants all the time, so they said that judges are use to hearing sob stories with not proof. That I can understand.
We had until the 6Th of May. What were we going to do? The only money we had saved was for our vacation coming up this summer....which I'll get to in my next blog! =) All I could think about was how disappointed my kiddos were going to be. Larry said that he had a bonus coming up, and as of the moment, it wasn't for sure that we would have to miss vacation, so I took that as a sign of hope.
The very next day I started doing what we all do when we're looking for a place....I made a job out of it. I looked in all the papers. I drove around and looked for "For Rent" signs in yards. I even called a few friends I knew that owned properties. But, who was going to rent to people who were just evicted? Last year when we wanted to move, we looked hard core and got no where. Larry said then: We should just stay where we are for now, save some money, and pay some more stuff off our credit like we are, then just buy a house in a few years. So, we stopped looking.
When I say we looked hard core, I mean it was HARD CORE! We looked at everything! One place we looked at was a mobile home. Right off the bat, I'm not thrilled. I could just picture Larry wearing one of those white tank tops, and the girls in Daisy-Duke shorts, me always bare-footed, and Joey's face with crusted food around it at any given time of day. But, as Larry reminded me...it was a place to live. So, we filled out the papers and actually ended up qualifying for the loan. But, I left it alone. I like the idea of waiting it out here much better than living in a trailer.
I wanted to give up looking again, but this time it was different....we HAD to move. Relentlessly, I picked up another paper last Thursday. Low and behold, guess what was in there?? That same mobile home! Larry said that he thought it was a blessing, so, of course I had to call! Turns out, the lady that did our original paper work...it was her first day on the job...she remembered us by name! I thought that was so sweet! We went out there and looked at it again. I guess before I didn't notice all that this place had to offer. I mean, it is brand-spakin' new! All the stuff, like the stove, dishwasher, fridge, toilets, still have the tags on them! We talked to the park management again. We filled out a few more papers to make our old file current. And well, we are now home owners ourselves! YaY! *Toss confetti in the air* WooHoo!!
It's in a park, so we really don't have much of a yard. But, there's a lake right across the street, and a pool, and a play ground for the kiddos to play in. We close on Friday. The girls and I have been working our tails off trying to get this house ready to leave and our new one ready to build a life in. Garfield is getting a little upset at all the boxes laying everywhere. He keeps giving me that: "I'm not going to like this, am I?" look. Sometimes I look back at him like: "You and me, both".
We're suppose to be moved in all the way by the 24Th. We are also having a yard sale tomorrow to get rid of the junk we had that was too nice to trash, but took up too much room for the new pad. If you're reading this between 10pm & 10am (Tues.-Wed.), please pray that it all goes swimmingly tomorrow. I don't think I'm very good at hosting yard sales. I've only had one other, and I'm going to be dragging out all the stuff that didn't sell from that one tomorrow.
If we're this busy now, then I suspect we'll get more busy soon. So, I may not be on here for a while, but I will post pictures on Facebook as soon as I can!
Thank you all so much for taking time out to read this!
God is GOOD!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Learning to Accept Me
"She spends her days up in the North Park, watching the people as they pass. All she wants is just a little piece of that dream. Is that too much to ask? If I could be like that, I would give anything. Just to live one day in those shoes. If I could be like that, what would I do?"
~3 Doors Down
Usually I wirte at night, and I might just still later, you never know. But, the girls dont have to picked up from school for another hour and a half and Joe just so happen to fall asleep on the couch, so I thought I'd take advantage of it.
I have a question: How many of you read the lyrics that head all of my blog entires? Reason I ask is because sometimes I over look things like that. When Im reading a book or a magazine article, I over look the titles or the heading and go right for the meat of the topic. So, if you would please, do this: If you missed this one, please go back and read it, and if you didn't, still, please, go back and read it again.
Pretty powerfull stuff, huh? Some might say those words apply to me. In fact, that's why I put them in there. There have been so many times I have sat and watched people...mostly women...and thought: If I could just have the money they have, then I'd be OK. Or: If I just looked like them, then maybe my husband would like me better. But what are these thoughts really? I have to say, I set out to work a completely different angle on today's entry until I was sitting here with just those lyrics on the screen. I started thinking about what I've heard since I started this blog, and others in the past as well....People say Im brave. People say Im faithful and honest. I even had one lady say that I was an inspiration to others. Maybe I am, I dont know. But, one thing's for sure: Im a sinner, and if you put me up on a pedestal, I WILL fall off!
Ok, so back to the origianl thought here: The song lyrics. I put them up there because that's how I was feeling when I sat down here to write. But what are those feelings? Well, they are sins! So, that lead me to Ask.com: What are the 7 deadly sins and their meanings? I actually found 11 of them! I dont know how to 'copy & paste', so let me simplfy what I read here:
According to the Ask.com encyclopedia, here is a list of historical and modern definitions of all the deadly sins:
1. Extravagance: Frequent purchases of luxury goods; forms of debauchery.
2. Lust: Excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature.
3. Gluttony: The gulp down and swallow anything over-indulgently to the point of waste.
4. Greed: A rapacious desire and pursuit of wealth status and power.
5. Acedia: Translated to 'apathetic listlessness'; depression without joy. The neglect to take care of something one should be doing; similar to melancholy.
6. Despair: Feelings of hopelessness, despondency, and impending doom.
7. Sloth: Laziness and indifference.
8. Wrath: Uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger; rage.
9. Envy: Insatiable desire.
10. Pride: The desire to be more important or more attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good works of others, and excessive love of self.
11. Vainglory: Unjustified boasting or vanity.
How many of those did you indentify with? One? Two? Six? All of them? Here, hopefully this makes you feel better: I went back over them after I typed them out trying to find at least one so I could say: Ok, I sin by way of all these EXCEPT #6, or #9 or whatever. Wanna hear the ugly truth? I couldnt find one! I am guilty of ALL of these sins! And here I thought Gluttony (#3) would be my biggest challenge.
Ok, here's my list of sins according to the list above: *Big Sigh*
1. Extravagance: Well, I dont really buy what you'd call 'luxury items', but like i had said in a previous entry, I had bought a lot fo fast food "secretly", so that could be my purchases.
2. Lust: Oh wow, ok....Let me see....Im about as lustfull as a 15 year old boy, so this might be next to the worse one for me! I tried to reason that it was ok because the only person I truly lust after is my own husband, but that doesnt make it right.
3. Gluttony: My 'Akile's Heel', if you will.
4. Greed: According to the meanings, I dont really think I wish to be powerful or even 'of status', but I do desire to be wealthy at times.
5. Acedia: Neglecting to take care of something I should be doing...Hmmm...Yes, I do that daily.
6. Despair: I dont feel as hopeless as I use to, that's getting much better. But, what I do stil feel strongly is a feeling of being worthless; of not mattering.
7. Sloth: If I didnt have a little Sloth in me, I dont think I'd be as fat as I am today, you know.
8. Wrath: It's funny that they describe the feelings of rage or anger as 'uncontrolable', because that's exactly what they are. I dont want to get as angry as I do sometimes, but I just do.
9. Envy: I guess this is also at the top of my list. Honestly, I can't even have a conversation with certain people without wishing I was more like them. And for me, it's mostly physical.
10. Pride: Again, that just kinda ties in with #9....I sometimes wish I was more attractive than others and/or myself.
11. Vainglory: Unjustified boasting...Hmmm...I think I might do this on some sort of unconscience level.
It's hard to put your sins in the mirror. I think it's even harder to lay them out there for everyone to see. Was I just unjustifiably boasting? Gosh I hope not!
With every sin listed above, I believe that there can be a virtue. So, there is a bright side to all this ugliness. And the best part about it is, God doesn't want you to feel this way or do these things. He wrote a manuel for us all to follow, and when we slip off track, He wants to bring take it away and bring us back! But in the mean time, I feel I should learn to accept these things about me. Im a lot of things. A sinner is only part of who I am....who we all are. Do you fear change? Please dont! Change is good! Just look at your own list....you want to change them, right? You want your ending to be good, right? God knows who you are and what you're all about and guess what? He loves you reguardless of any flaws! Me too!
I have completely run out of time! I was going to say: I dont even have time to proof read this and check for errors. But, you know, I think that kinda fits in with today's theme! So, Im going click 'post' without spell-checking, please forgive me!
I might be back tonight to do another food journal, I dont know, depends on how much time I have. Thursday is my 'Sloth' day! It's the day I run around and do all the things I couldnt or just DIDNT do while Larry was gone so he doesnt notice.
I always send him the link to my blog....Oh well, my cat's outta the bag now!
~3 Doors Down
Usually I wirte at night, and I might just still later, you never know. But, the girls dont have to picked up from school for another hour and a half and Joe just so happen to fall asleep on the couch, so I thought I'd take advantage of it.
I have a question: How many of you read the lyrics that head all of my blog entires? Reason I ask is because sometimes I over look things like that. When Im reading a book or a magazine article, I over look the titles or the heading and go right for the meat of the topic. So, if you would please, do this: If you missed this one, please go back and read it, and if you didn't, still, please, go back and read it again.
Pretty powerfull stuff, huh? Some might say those words apply to me. In fact, that's why I put them in there. There have been so many times I have sat and watched people...mostly women...and thought: If I could just have the money they have, then I'd be OK. Or: If I just looked like them, then maybe my husband would like me better. But what are these thoughts really? I have to say, I set out to work a completely different angle on today's entry until I was sitting here with just those lyrics on the screen. I started thinking about what I've heard since I started this blog, and others in the past as well....People say Im brave. People say Im faithful and honest. I even had one lady say that I was an inspiration to others. Maybe I am, I dont know. But, one thing's for sure: Im a sinner, and if you put me up on a pedestal, I WILL fall off!
Ok, so back to the origianl thought here: The song lyrics. I put them up there because that's how I was feeling when I sat down here to write. But what are those feelings? Well, they are sins! So, that lead me to Ask.com: What are the 7 deadly sins and their meanings? I actually found 11 of them! I dont know how to 'copy & paste', so let me simplfy what I read here:
According to the Ask.com encyclopedia, here is a list of historical and modern definitions of all the deadly sins:
1. Extravagance: Frequent purchases of luxury goods; forms of debauchery.
2. Lust: Excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature.
3. Gluttony: The gulp down and swallow anything over-indulgently to the point of waste.
4. Greed: A rapacious desire and pursuit of wealth status and power.
5. Acedia: Translated to 'apathetic listlessness'; depression without joy. The neglect to take care of something one should be doing; similar to melancholy.
6. Despair: Feelings of hopelessness, despondency, and impending doom.
7. Sloth: Laziness and indifference.
8. Wrath: Uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger; rage.
9. Envy: Insatiable desire.
10. Pride: The desire to be more important or more attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good works of others, and excessive love of self.
11. Vainglory: Unjustified boasting or vanity.
How many of those did you indentify with? One? Two? Six? All of them? Here, hopefully this makes you feel better: I went back over them after I typed them out trying to find at least one so I could say: Ok, I sin by way of all these EXCEPT #6, or #9 or whatever. Wanna hear the ugly truth? I couldnt find one! I am guilty of ALL of these sins! And here I thought Gluttony (#3) would be my biggest challenge.
Ok, here's my list of sins according to the list above: *Big Sigh*
1. Extravagance: Well, I dont really buy what you'd call 'luxury items', but like i had said in a previous entry, I had bought a lot fo fast food "secretly", so that could be my purchases.
2. Lust: Oh wow, ok....Let me see....Im about as lustfull as a 15 year old boy, so this might be next to the worse one for me! I tried to reason that it was ok because the only person I truly lust after is my own husband, but that doesnt make it right.
3. Gluttony: My 'Akile's Heel', if you will.
4. Greed: According to the meanings, I dont really think I wish to be powerful or even 'of status', but I do desire to be wealthy at times.
5. Acedia: Neglecting to take care of something I should be doing...Hmmm...Yes, I do that daily.
6. Despair: I dont feel as hopeless as I use to, that's getting much better. But, what I do stil feel strongly is a feeling of being worthless; of not mattering.
7. Sloth: If I didnt have a little Sloth in me, I dont think I'd be as fat as I am today, you know.
8. Wrath: It's funny that they describe the feelings of rage or anger as 'uncontrolable', because that's exactly what they are. I dont want to get as angry as I do sometimes, but I just do.
9. Envy: I guess this is also at the top of my list. Honestly, I can't even have a conversation with certain people without wishing I was more like them. And for me, it's mostly physical.
10. Pride: Again, that just kinda ties in with #9....I sometimes wish I was more attractive than others and/or myself.
11. Vainglory: Unjustified boasting...Hmmm...I think I might do this on some sort of unconscience level.
It's hard to put your sins in the mirror. I think it's even harder to lay them out there for everyone to see. Was I just unjustifiably boasting? Gosh I hope not!
With every sin listed above, I believe that there can be a virtue. So, there is a bright side to all this ugliness. And the best part about it is, God doesn't want you to feel this way or do these things. He wrote a manuel for us all to follow, and when we slip off track, He wants to bring take it away and bring us back! But in the mean time, I feel I should learn to accept these things about me. Im a lot of things. A sinner is only part of who I am....who we all are. Do you fear change? Please dont! Change is good! Just look at your own list....you want to change them, right? You want your ending to be good, right? God knows who you are and what you're all about and guess what? He loves you reguardless of any flaws! Me too!
I have completely run out of time! I was going to say: I dont even have time to proof read this and check for errors. But, you know, I think that kinda fits in with today's theme! So, Im going click 'post' without spell-checking, please forgive me!
I might be back tonight to do another food journal, I dont know, depends on how much time I have. Thursday is my 'Sloth' day! It's the day I run around and do all the things I couldnt or just DIDNT do while Larry was gone so he doesnt notice.
I always send him the link to my blog....Oh well, my cat's outta the bag now!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Eat to Live
"It's alright, there comes a time. Got no patience to search for peace of mind. Layin' low, wanna take it slow. No more hiding or disguising truths I've told. Everyday something hits me all so cold. Find me sitting by myself, no excuses that I know." ~Alice in Chains
I mentioned in my last entry that I'm a "closet eater". Allow me to explain....
Basically, I use to eat a bunch of stuff that no one knew about. I would wait until the girls went to school, and I would go to McDonald's and get as much as I could afford. Sometimes I would eat 3 breakfast sandwiches at a time. Or, I would wait until every one's gone to bed at night and eat an entire bag or box of something. Sometimes I would even be sitting around late in the evening watching a movie with Larry, and wait until he got up to use the bathroom and run in here to the kitchen real quick and stuff my mouth with what ever I could get my hands on before he got back. Fortunately, I don't do that anymore. I've actually gotten to a place where I don't "need" that extra bite any longer.
But, why? Why was I doing that? People ask drug addicts: "Why do you do drugs?" and they answer: "Because they are addicting". End of story. It's a reasonable explanation. Drugs are addicting. Well, I'm here to tell you, folks...so is food! Not only are drugs and food addicting, but I believe they take the place of something you're missing in your life. I use to listen to these "fat " people on TV talk about how they were "emotional eaters" and I would think: That's just crazy! Until I ate almost...OK, I might as well be completely truthful...AN ENTIRE box of Oreo's through tears. I feel like I'm missing a lot in my life it all boils down to food. I use to think I ate when I was sad BECAUSE I was sad. Now I've realized food has become the barrier between me and a lot of things: First and foremost, my relationship with Jesus. It pains me to think back to a time when I would rather hide in my bed, watching TV, eating 2 or sometimes 3 tuna sandwiches at midnight then talk to my Father.
Or how about my own husband? I was going literally out of my mind trying to figure out why he refused to make love to me. "I'm tired", "I'm just not as young as you", "The kids will hear"....Blah, blah, blah! But, weeks turned into months, and months have almost turned into a year now, so I finally got up enough nerve to ask. I never dreamed that I had gotten so fat that is physically hurts the man I love to take part in the most intimate and the most basic human act with me. At first I thought: You know, that's HIS problem. 1 Corinthians says: "The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not just belong to him, but to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan does not temp you because of your lack of self control." (NIV. Chap. 7:3-5)
And I understand this, I do. I am not making excuses when I say this, but....I understand it took a lot for Larry to say what he said to me, and I appreciate his feelings. I just feel awful because I know it's something I've done.
But, once again, that's me looking to the past. (sigh) Wanna know what I'm doing NOW?
Well, I didn't get a chance to walk anywhere today, but I think I ate pretty darn good! Here's all I ate today:
Breakfast: Grapes & half a banana
Lunch: 1 piece of toast, 2 slices of cheese and a bowl of carrots sticks.
Dinner: Salad w/: Lettuce, cabbage, carrots, cucumber, tuna & my own homemade oil and vinegar dressing. (I figure that way I can control what goes in it.)
Plus, I drank nothing but water all day. Well, OK, I'm having a cup of tea as I sit here and type, but I don't see the harm in it.
I am going to pray so hard tonight that I'm able to get my walk on tomorrow. I'm starting to feel terrible when I don't. Walking can't be all I do, though. Does anyone have any idea on how to get a good "warm-up" exercise going before I walk? I'm ashamed to say...I don't know any! I just know that I've heard time and time again you're suppose to do at least 30 minutes worth. One day last week, I blasted up the music and Joe and I danced all around the living room. It was fun, but I was only able to do it for about 15 minutes. There's gotta be something out there I can do for 30 minutes!
Well, I'm making supper for our church's Wednesday night supper tomorrow. Creamy Poppy Seed Chicken! Lord.....get Your spankin' stick out and please keep me on my best behavior!
Thanks for stoppin' by!
I mentioned in my last entry that I'm a "closet eater". Allow me to explain....
Basically, I use to eat a bunch of stuff that no one knew about. I would wait until the girls went to school, and I would go to McDonald's and get as much as I could afford. Sometimes I would eat 3 breakfast sandwiches at a time. Or, I would wait until every one's gone to bed at night and eat an entire bag or box of something. Sometimes I would even be sitting around late in the evening watching a movie with Larry, and wait until he got up to use the bathroom and run in here to the kitchen real quick and stuff my mouth with what ever I could get my hands on before he got back. Fortunately, I don't do that anymore. I've actually gotten to a place where I don't "need" that extra bite any longer.
But, why? Why was I doing that? People ask drug addicts: "Why do you do drugs?" and they answer: "Because they are addicting". End of story. It's a reasonable explanation. Drugs are addicting. Well, I'm here to tell you, folks...so is food! Not only are drugs and food addicting, but I believe they take the place of something you're missing in your life. I use to listen to these "fat " people on TV talk about how they were "emotional eaters" and I would think: That's just crazy! Until I ate almost...OK, I might as well be completely truthful...AN ENTIRE box of Oreo's through tears. I feel like I'm missing a lot in my life it all boils down to food. I use to think I ate when I was sad BECAUSE I was sad. Now I've realized food has become the barrier between me and a lot of things: First and foremost, my relationship with Jesus. It pains me to think back to a time when I would rather hide in my bed, watching TV, eating 2 or sometimes 3 tuna sandwiches at midnight then talk to my Father.
Or how about my own husband? I was going literally out of my mind trying to figure out why he refused to make love to me. "I'm tired", "I'm just not as young as you", "The kids will hear"....Blah, blah, blah! But, weeks turned into months, and months have almost turned into a year now, so I finally got up enough nerve to ask. I never dreamed that I had gotten so fat that is physically hurts the man I love to take part in the most intimate and the most basic human act with me. At first I thought: You know, that's HIS problem. 1 Corinthians says: "The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not just belong to him, but to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan does not temp you because of your lack of self control." (NIV. Chap. 7:3-5)
And I understand this, I do. I am not making excuses when I say this, but....I understand it took a lot for Larry to say what he said to me, and I appreciate his feelings. I just feel awful because I know it's something I've done.
But, once again, that's me looking to the past. (sigh) Wanna know what I'm doing NOW?
Well, I didn't get a chance to walk anywhere today, but I think I ate pretty darn good! Here's all I ate today:
Breakfast: Grapes & half a banana
Lunch: 1 piece of toast, 2 slices of cheese and a bowl of carrots sticks.
Dinner: Salad w/: Lettuce, cabbage, carrots, cucumber, tuna & my own homemade oil and vinegar dressing. (I figure that way I can control what goes in it.)
Plus, I drank nothing but water all day. Well, OK, I'm having a cup of tea as I sit here and type, but I don't see the harm in it.
I am going to pray so hard tonight that I'm able to get my walk on tomorrow. I'm starting to feel terrible when I don't. Walking can't be all I do, though. Does anyone have any idea on how to get a good "warm-up" exercise going before I walk? I'm ashamed to say...I don't know any! I just know that I've heard time and time again you're suppose to do at least 30 minutes worth. One day last week, I blasted up the music and Joe and I danced all around the living room. It was fun, but I was only able to do it for about 15 minutes. There's gotta be something out there I can do for 30 minutes!
Well, I'm making supper for our church's Wednesday night supper tomorrow. Creamy Poppy Seed Chicken! Lord.....get Your spankin' stick out and please keep me on my best behavior!
Thanks for stoppin' by!
Monday, April 5, 2010
The Start of Something New
"All I ask of him is pray for me, 'cause I don't want to. Pray for me, if you love me. Cross your heart and pray that I don't die before the best day of my life. Just pray for me tonight."
~Sixx Am
Well, here I am again..."behind the pen", so to speak. Man, I thought I'd never blog again after that last one! My intention was to start it as a way for me to just get out my frustrations without using food or cigarettes as a way to cope with what was happening in my house. Then, after that was over, I figured I'd write a few more blogs. One about what I (we) are going through currently, and one about what it was like "growing up me". The inspiration came from a Bible study I'm taking right now about making peace with your past and dealing with hurt feelings from being raised with a dysfunctional family. I thought it would be a great way to add to the Bible study. I could come here and blog for an hour or so and let it all hang out! But you know, it's hard enough making myself do it for the study everyday, then in actual class once a week. I didn't want to come here and relive it again. I avoided the blog world all together for a few months. I decided to just delete all the blogs I made before and start a whole new one. Plus, I'm not too bright, so I couldn't figure out how to "manage" them! And, a wise woman told me recently: "If God wanted you to look to the past, He would have given us eyes in the back of our heads". So, tonight I grabbed my tall cup of ice water, threw my hair in a bun, and put on my "mello-music" play list....Which consists of Rob Thomas, The Fugees, Alter Bridge, Shinedown, Alicia Keys, Van Halen, Walter Edgen, Don Henley & U2. For my older readers, or for those of you who have been living under a rock and haven't heard of any of all of the artists I mentioned, I challenge you to pick at least one and download a song or two. In case you didn't know, music is VERY important to me, and I try and include it in everything I do. Much like the lyrics I use as a heading for all my entries here. They are kinda like a sneak peek or theme as to what my pages are about.
Anyway....Airplane Announcements. Yeah, I actually googled "good titles for blogs". Then I started looking through my thousands of songs to listen to while I sat here, and George Carlin jumped out at me. He had a bit called "Airplane Announcements" where he talked about all the meaningless terms people use to make things sound more important than they really are. Bingo! It's cute & catchy! =)
So, what's been going on? Well....I'm fat! Did you all know that? It's true, I really am! That's so taboo, isn't it? People just don't say that do they? This might sound a bit crass, but, if you're expecting all sunshine and roses, then just close this tab right now. I spent too much time growing up in a house where we swept everything under the rug. Ohhh, don't talk about that! It might be too real! And, I am now currently spending time in a marriage where I'm trying to "un-do" that very same thing.
Where were we? Oh yeah...I'm fat. I know that old thing about how girls don't like to answer certain questions like: "How old are you?" and "How much do you weigh?". Well, I'm going to try and be as real and as stripped down as I possibly can. If I offend you or make you feel uncomfortable, I apologize. But, if my words make you look at your own life, then maybe I've done a good job. Just, what ever you do, don't feel sorry for me, please. I appreciate it.
My name is Jessica Grace Riley. I am 30 years old and I weigh 415 pounds. What? Yeah, you read it right...I'm 30 years old! (Come on now, that was funny, I don't care who you are!)
I'll tell you some more of what I REALLY am....I'm a mother, a wife, a great chef, a nice person who loves nothing more than to serve her friends and family, and occasionally I've even been known to be smart and well-read. OK, now let me tell you what I FEEL LIKE I am....I feel like a fat, ugly, no-good, worthless thing with no true friends with nothing to show for my life.
The ugly feeling I carry around is not just once in a while, like when I'm looking in the mirror. It's a 24 hour a day reminder of what I've to myself and my family. I've basically gotten to the point of "Do or Die". This is really taking a toll on my body. Not as much physically as you think it would. I think I have time on my side on that one, but like...my hair is falling out, my skin looks terrible, my feet are almost always swollen, I easily get rashes on parts of my body that are quite large, I have way too much facial hair. It's a mess. I always thought that if I had one thing going for me...like nice hair or a pretty face, like some of the other fats girls I know, then I might feel better about myself. Then I got to thinking: What if all these things are happening BECAUSE I'm fat? So, I went to see my doctor. Turns out I have 'Polycystic Ovary Syndrome'. PCOS is the most common endocrine disorder in women, effecting about 5-10% ages 12-45. The principle feature of PCOS is obesity. The symptoms include: small cysts on or around the ovaries, acne, blotches on the skin, excessive hair on the face and or body, an insulin resistance resulting in type II diabetes, unable to lose weight, high blood pressure, irregular menstruation's, and infertility. There are some other things, but they can't seem to come to mind right now. Oh yeah...forgetfulness! Naah, I added that one!
I have most all of these things listed. Fortunately, I don't have the high blood pressure or diabetes. But, I've got two strikes against me: The PCOS and a family history of both of these.
So, what am I doing about it? My doctor wants me to have the 'Lap-Band' surgery. Here's a funny little kicker to that one...I would have to shed some weight just to have the surgery. Yes, folks, I have become too fat for weight loss surgery! I decided I'm going to try and drop my former self on my own first and leave surgery as a last resort. Now, don't pat me on the back just yet. I've said all this before. Oh, today's the day! I'm going to eat nothing but carrots and I'm going to jog 5 miles each day! Each time I've failed....obviously. I'm always leery of telling anyone what I'm up to because I know that I'm going to let myself down; I don't want to let anyone else down also.
I was sitting here one night watching one of those medical shows on TLC about a woman who weighed almost half a ton. She was bed-ridden and had to be cut out of her house just to get to the hospital to have the gastric bypass surgery. She lost almost 200 pounds in what they called "food addiction rehab" before the surgery. She was able to walk again and go the bathroom on her own. Things you and I take for granted. She had her surgery and was still doing really well. I thought: Wow, if she could do this, then so could I. Just 3 days after the surgery she had a massive heart attack and died. She was only 29 years old. The very next day, I went to our local track for the first time and walked. I thought: 11 laps? 1 mile? This is gonna be a cinch! Yeah, not so much! My first day I walked only 3 laps. Just today, 2 weeks later, I'm up to 6 laps. Since when did putting one leg in front of the other become such a hard thing to do?
This makes me feel so shameful and more guilty then I can ever explain. I wish I could just crawl in a hole and pull the hole in after me. Just sit here in my nice, safe hole, and wait until it's over. How's that gonna make my ass shrink? I look at the precious little faces of my children and I think: How is Larry going to raise them alone? I pray to God: Please don't take me tonight! I have to make it. I just have to. I have no one to blame but me, and no one can do it but me. I hope that this blog will help keep me accountable as well, I don't want to look back on it in a year sitting here in the same size going....Gee, I wish I would have done something about this. Or worse yet....I don't want my dear husband to have to read this to my girls after I'm gone.
Talking about this is good, I know. And there's a ton of things I'm leaving out, but it really drains me emotionally, so that's all I can squeeze out tonight.
Just like I'm going to force myself to take my exercising and eating habits one day at a time, I promise I will come back tomorrow with some more. Just telling people is a big deal for me. Hopefully I'm become more and more comfortable over time so I'm able to journal more properly about this. And hey listen....If you know or know of someone in my situation, please speak up. I am in no way blaming anyone for not saying something sooner, but just let them know you love them and you support them in their journey. And just pray.
Thank you so much for reading this. Now, let's get up from these computers and go take a walk!
~Sixx Am
Well, here I am again..."behind the pen", so to speak. Man, I thought I'd never blog again after that last one! My intention was to start it as a way for me to just get out my frustrations without using food or cigarettes as a way to cope with what was happening in my house. Then, after that was over, I figured I'd write a few more blogs. One about what I (we) are going through currently, and one about what it was like "growing up me". The inspiration came from a Bible study I'm taking right now about making peace with your past and dealing with hurt feelings from being raised with a dysfunctional family. I thought it would be a great way to add to the Bible study. I could come here and blog for an hour or so and let it all hang out! But you know, it's hard enough making myself do it for the study everyday, then in actual class once a week. I didn't want to come here and relive it again. I avoided the blog world all together for a few months. I decided to just delete all the blogs I made before and start a whole new one. Plus, I'm not too bright, so I couldn't figure out how to "manage" them! And, a wise woman told me recently: "If God wanted you to look to the past, He would have given us eyes in the back of our heads". So, tonight I grabbed my tall cup of ice water, threw my hair in a bun, and put on my "mello-music" play list....Which consists of Rob Thomas, The Fugees, Alter Bridge, Shinedown, Alicia Keys, Van Halen, Walter Edgen, Don Henley & U2. For my older readers, or for those of you who have been living under a rock and haven't heard of any of all of the artists I mentioned, I challenge you to pick at least one and download a song or two. In case you didn't know, music is VERY important to me, and I try and include it in everything I do. Much like the lyrics I use as a heading for all my entries here. They are kinda like a sneak peek or theme as to what my pages are about.
Anyway....Airplane Announcements. Yeah, I actually googled "good titles for blogs". Then I started looking through my thousands of songs to listen to while I sat here, and George Carlin jumped out at me. He had a bit called "Airplane Announcements" where he talked about all the meaningless terms people use to make things sound more important than they really are. Bingo! It's cute & catchy! =)
So, what's been going on? Well....I'm fat! Did you all know that? It's true, I really am! That's so taboo, isn't it? People just don't say that do they? This might sound a bit crass, but, if you're expecting all sunshine and roses, then just close this tab right now. I spent too much time growing up in a house where we swept everything under the rug. Ohhh, don't talk about that! It might be too real! And, I am now currently spending time in a marriage where I'm trying to "un-do" that very same thing.
Where were we? Oh yeah...I'm fat. I know that old thing about how girls don't like to answer certain questions like: "How old are you?" and "How much do you weigh?". Well, I'm going to try and be as real and as stripped down as I possibly can. If I offend you or make you feel uncomfortable, I apologize. But, if my words make you look at your own life, then maybe I've done a good job. Just, what ever you do, don't feel sorry for me, please. I appreciate it.
My name is Jessica Grace Riley. I am 30 years old and I weigh 415 pounds. What? Yeah, you read it right...I'm 30 years old! (Come on now, that was funny, I don't care who you are!)
I'll tell you some more of what I REALLY am....I'm a mother, a wife, a great chef, a nice person who loves nothing more than to serve her friends and family, and occasionally I've even been known to be smart and well-read. OK, now let me tell you what I FEEL LIKE I am....I feel like a fat, ugly, no-good, worthless thing with no true friends with nothing to show for my life.
The ugly feeling I carry around is not just once in a while, like when I'm looking in the mirror. It's a 24 hour a day reminder of what I've to myself and my family. I've basically gotten to the point of "Do or Die". This is really taking a toll on my body. Not as much physically as you think it would. I think I have time on my side on that one, but like...my hair is falling out, my skin looks terrible, my feet are almost always swollen, I easily get rashes on parts of my body that are quite large, I have way too much facial hair. It's a mess. I always thought that if I had one thing going for me...like nice hair or a pretty face, like some of the other fats girls I know, then I might feel better about myself. Then I got to thinking: What if all these things are happening BECAUSE I'm fat? So, I went to see my doctor. Turns out I have 'Polycystic Ovary Syndrome'. PCOS is the most common endocrine disorder in women, effecting about 5-10% ages 12-45. The principle feature of PCOS is obesity. The symptoms include: small cysts on or around the ovaries, acne, blotches on the skin, excessive hair on the face and or body, an insulin resistance resulting in type II diabetes, unable to lose weight, high blood pressure, irregular menstruation's, and infertility. There are some other things, but they can't seem to come to mind right now. Oh yeah...forgetfulness! Naah, I added that one!
I have most all of these things listed. Fortunately, I don't have the high blood pressure or diabetes. But, I've got two strikes against me: The PCOS and a family history of both of these.
So, what am I doing about it? My doctor wants me to have the 'Lap-Band' surgery. Here's a funny little kicker to that one...I would have to shed some weight just to have the surgery. Yes, folks, I have become too fat for weight loss surgery! I decided I'm going to try and drop my former self on my own first and leave surgery as a last resort. Now, don't pat me on the back just yet. I've said all this before. Oh, today's the day! I'm going to eat nothing but carrots and I'm going to jog 5 miles each day! Each time I've failed....obviously. I'm always leery of telling anyone what I'm up to because I know that I'm going to let myself down; I don't want to let anyone else down also.
I was sitting here one night watching one of those medical shows on TLC about a woman who weighed almost half a ton. She was bed-ridden and had to be cut out of her house just to get to the hospital to have the gastric bypass surgery. She lost almost 200 pounds in what they called "food addiction rehab" before the surgery. She was able to walk again and go the bathroom on her own. Things you and I take for granted. She had her surgery and was still doing really well. I thought: Wow, if she could do this, then so could I. Just 3 days after the surgery she had a massive heart attack and died. She was only 29 years old. The very next day, I went to our local track for the first time and walked. I thought: 11 laps? 1 mile? This is gonna be a cinch! Yeah, not so much! My first day I walked only 3 laps. Just today, 2 weeks later, I'm up to 6 laps. Since when did putting one leg in front of the other become such a hard thing to do?
This makes me feel so shameful and more guilty then I can ever explain. I wish I could just crawl in a hole and pull the hole in after me. Just sit here in my nice, safe hole, and wait until it's over. How's that gonna make my ass shrink? I look at the precious little faces of my children and I think: How is Larry going to raise them alone? I pray to God: Please don't take me tonight! I have to make it. I just have to. I have no one to blame but me, and no one can do it but me. I hope that this blog will help keep me accountable as well, I don't want to look back on it in a year sitting here in the same size going....Gee, I wish I would have done something about this. Or worse yet....I don't want my dear husband to have to read this to my girls after I'm gone.
Talking about this is good, I know. And there's a ton of things I'm leaving out, but it really drains me emotionally, so that's all I can squeeze out tonight.
Just like I'm going to force myself to take my exercising and eating habits one day at a time, I promise I will come back tomorrow with some more. Just telling people is a big deal for me. Hopefully I'm become more and more comfortable over time so I'm able to journal more properly about this. And hey listen....If you know or know of someone in my situation, please speak up. I am in no way blaming anyone for not saying something sooner, but just let them know you love them and you support them in their journey. And just pray.
Thank you so much for reading this. Now, let's get up from these computers and go take a walk!
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