The Start of Something New

"All I ask of him is pray for me, 'cause I don't want to. Pray for me, if you love me. Cross your heart and pray that I don't die before the best day of my life. Just pray for me tonight."
~Sixx Am


Well, here I am again..."behind the pen", so to speak. Man, I thought I'd never blog again after that last one! My intention was to start it as a way for me to just get out my frustrations without using food or cigarettes as a way to cope with what was happening in my house. Then, after that was over, I figured I'd write a few more blogs. One about what I (we) are going through currently, and one about what it was like "growing up me". The inspiration came from a Bible study I'm taking right now about making peace with your past and dealing with hurt feelings from being raised with a dysfunctional family. I thought it would be a great way to add to the Bible study. I could come here and blog for an hour or so and let it all hang out! But you know, it's hard enough making myself do it for the study everyday, then in actual class once a week. I didn't want to come here and relive it again. I avoided the blog world all together for a few months. I decided to just delete all the blogs I made before and start a whole new one. Plus, I'm not too bright, so I couldn't figure out how to "manage" them! And, a wise woman told me recently: "If God wanted you to look to the past, He would have given us eyes in the back of our heads". So, tonight I grabbed my tall cup of ice water, threw my hair in a bun, and put on my "mello-music" play list....Which consists of Rob Thomas, The Fugees, Alter Bridge, Shinedown, Alicia Keys, Van Halen, Walter Edgen, Don Henley & U2. For my older readers, or for those of you who have been living under a rock and haven't heard of any of all of the artists I mentioned, I challenge you to pick at least one and download a song or two. In case you didn't know, music is VERY important to me, and I try and include it in everything I do. Much like the lyrics I use as a heading for all my entries here. They are kinda like a sneak peek or theme as to what my pages are about.

Anyway....Airplane Announcements. Yeah, I actually googled "good titles for blogs". Then I started looking through my thousands of songs to listen to while I sat here, and George Carlin jumped out at me. He had a bit called "Airplane Announcements" where he talked about all the meaningless terms people use to make things sound more important than they really are. Bingo! It's cute & catchy! =)

So, what's been going on? Well....I'm fat! Did you all know that? It's true, I really am! That's so taboo, isn't it? People just don't say that do they? This might sound a bit crass, but, if you're expecting all sunshine and roses, then just close this tab right now. I spent too much time growing up in a house where we swept everything under the rug. Ohhh, don't talk about that! It might be too real! And, I am now currently spending time in a marriage where I'm trying to "un-do" that very same thing.

Where were we? Oh yeah...I'm fat. I know that old thing about how girls don't like to answer certain questions like: "How old are you?" and "How much do you weigh?". Well, I'm going to try and be as real and as stripped down as I possibly can. If I offend you or make you feel uncomfortable, I apologize. But, if my words make you look at your own life, then maybe I've done a good job. Just, what ever you do, don't feel sorry for me, please. I appreciate it.

My name is Jessica Grace Riley. I am 30 years old and I weigh 415 pounds. What? Yeah, you read it right...I'm 30 years old! (Come on now, that was funny, I don't care who you are!)

I'll tell you some more of what I REALLY am....I'm a mother, a wife, a great chef, a nice person who loves nothing more than to serve her friends and family, and occasionally I've even been known to be smart and well-read. OK, now let me tell you what I FEEL LIKE I am....I feel like a fat, ugly, no-good, worthless thing with no true friends with nothing to show for my life.

The ugly feeling I carry around is not just once in a while, like when I'm looking in the mirror. It's a 24 hour a day reminder of what I've to myself and my family. I've basically gotten to the point of "Do or Die". This is really taking a toll on my body. Not as much physically as you think it would. I think I have time on my side on that one, but like...my hair is falling out, my skin looks terrible, my feet are almost always swollen, I easily get rashes on parts of my body that are quite large, I have way too much facial hair. It's a mess. I always thought that if I had one thing going for me...like nice hair or a pretty face, like some of the other fats girls I know, then I might feel better about myself. Then I got to thinking: What if all these things are happening BECAUSE I'm fat? So, I went to see my doctor. Turns out I have 'Polycystic Ovary Syndrome'. PCOS is the most common endocrine disorder in women, effecting about 5-10% ages 12-45. The principle feature of PCOS is obesity. The symptoms include: small cysts on or around the ovaries, acne, blotches on the skin, excessive hair on the face and or body, an insulin resistance resulting in type II diabetes, unable to lose weight, high blood pressure, irregular menstruation's, and infertility. There are some other things, but they can't seem to come to mind right now. Oh yeah...forgetfulness! Naah, I added that one!

I have most all of these things listed. Fortunately, I don't have the high blood pressure or diabetes. But, I've got two strikes against me: The PCOS and a family history of both of these.
So, what am I doing about it? My doctor wants me to have the 'Lap-Band' surgery. Here's a funny little kicker to that one...I would have to shed some weight just to have the surgery. Yes, folks, I have become too fat for weight loss surgery! I decided I'm going to try and drop my former self on my own first and leave surgery as a last resort. Now, don't pat me on the back just yet. I've said all this before. Oh, today's the day! I'm going to eat nothing but carrots and I'm going to jog 5 miles each day! Each time I've failed....obviously. I'm always leery of telling anyone what I'm up to because I know that I'm going to let myself down; I don't want to let anyone else down also.

I was sitting here one night watching one of those medical shows on TLC about a woman who weighed almost half a ton. She was bed-ridden and had to be cut out of her house just to get to the hospital to have the gastric bypass surgery. She lost almost 200 pounds in what they called "food addiction rehab" before the surgery. She was able to walk again and go the bathroom on her own. Things you and I take for granted. She had her surgery and was still doing really well. I thought: Wow, if she could do this, then so could I. Just 3 days after the surgery she had a massive heart attack and died. She was only 29 years old. The very next day, I went to our local track for the first time and walked. I thought: 11 laps? 1 mile? This is gonna be a cinch! Yeah, not so much! My first day I walked only 3 laps. Just today, 2 weeks later, I'm up to 6 laps. Since when did putting one leg in front of the other become such a hard thing to do?

This makes me feel so shameful and more guilty then I can ever explain. I wish I could just crawl in a hole and pull the hole in after me. Just sit here in my nice, safe hole, and wait until it's over. How's that gonna make my ass shrink? I look at the precious little faces of my children and I think: How is Larry going to raise them alone? I pray to God: Please don't take me tonight! I have to make it. I just have to. I have no one to blame but me, and no one can do it but me. I hope that this blog will help keep me accountable as well, I don't want to look back on it in a year sitting here in the same size going....Gee, I wish I would have done something about this. Or worse yet....I don't want my dear husband to have to read this to my girls after I'm gone.

Talking about this is good, I know. And there's a ton of things I'm leaving out, but it really drains me emotionally, so that's all I can squeeze out tonight.

Just like I'm going to force myself to take my exercising and eating habits one day at a time, I promise I will come back tomorrow with some more. Just telling people is a big deal for me. Hopefully I'm become more and more comfortable over time so I'm able to journal more properly about this. And hey listen....If you know or know of someone in my situation, please speak up. I am in no way blaming anyone for not saying something sooner, but just let them know you love them and you support them in their journey. And just pray.

Thank you so much for reading this. Now, let's get up from these computers and go take a walk!