Eat to Live

"It's alright, there comes a time. Got no patience to search for peace of mind. Layin' low, wanna take it slow. No more hiding or disguising truths I've told. Everyday something hits me all so cold. Find me sitting by myself, no excuses that I know." ~Alice in Chains


I mentioned in my last entry that I'm a "closet eater". Allow me to explain....

Basically, I use to eat a bunch of stuff that no one knew about. I would wait until the girls went to school, and I would go to McDonald's and get as much as I could afford. Sometimes I would eat 3 breakfast sandwiches at a time. Or, I would wait until every one's gone to bed at night and eat an entire bag or box of something. Sometimes I would even be sitting around late in the evening watching a movie with Larry, and wait until he got up to use the bathroom and run in here to the kitchen real quick and stuff my mouth with what ever I could get my hands on before he got back. Fortunately, I don't do that anymore. I've actually gotten to a place where I don't "need" that extra bite any longer.

But, why? Why was I doing that? People ask drug addicts: "Why do you do drugs?" and they answer: "Because they are addicting". End of story. It's a reasonable explanation. Drugs are addicting. Well, I'm here to tell you, folks...so is food! Not only are drugs and food addicting, but I believe they take the place of something you're missing in your life. I use to listen to these "fat " people on TV talk about how they were "emotional eaters" and I would think: That's just crazy! Until I ate almost...OK, I might as well be completely truthful...AN ENTIRE box of Oreo's through tears. I feel like I'm missing a lot in my life it all boils down to food. I use to think I ate when I was sad BECAUSE I was sad. Now I've realized food has become the barrier between me and a lot of things: First and foremost, my relationship with Jesus. It pains me to think back to a time when I would rather hide in my bed, watching TV, eating 2 or sometimes 3 tuna sandwiches at midnight then talk to my Father.

Or how about my own husband? I was going literally out of my mind trying to figure out why he refused to make love to me. "I'm tired", "I'm just not as young as you", "The kids will hear"....Blah, blah, blah! But, weeks turned into months, and months have almost turned into a year now, so I finally got up enough nerve to ask. I never dreamed that I had gotten so fat that is physically hurts the man I love to take part in the most intimate and the most basic human act with me. At first I thought: You know, that's HIS problem. 1 Corinthians says: "The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not just belong to him, but to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan does not temp you because of your lack of self control." (NIV. Chap. 7:3-5)
And I understand this, I do. I am not making excuses when I say this, but....I understand it took a lot for Larry to say what he said to me, and I appreciate his feelings. I just feel awful because I know it's something I've done.

But, once again, that's me looking to the past. (sigh) Wanna know what I'm doing NOW?

Well, I didn't get a chance to walk anywhere today, but I think I ate pretty darn good! Here's all I ate today:

Breakfast: Grapes & half a banana
Lunch: 1 piece of toast, 2 slices of cheese and a bowl of carrots sticks.
Dinner: Salad w/: Lettuce, cabbage, carrots, cucumber, tuna & my own homemade oil and vinegar dressing. (I figure that way I can control what goes in it.)
Plus, I drank nothing but water all day. Well, OK, I'm having a cup of tea as I sit here and type, but I don't see the harm in it.

I am going to pray so hard tonight that I'm able to get my walk on tomorrow. I'm starting to feel terrible when I don't. Walking can't be all I do, though. Does anyone have any idea on how to get a good "warm-up" exercise going before I walk? I'm ashamed to say...I don't know any! I just know that I've heard time and time again you're suppose to do at least 30 minutes worth. One day last week, I blasted up the music and Joe and I danced all around the living room. It was fun, but I was only able to do it for about 15 minutes. There's gotta be something out there I can do for 30 minutes!

Well, I'm making supper for our church's Wednesday night supper tomorrow. Creamy Poppy Seed Chicken! Lord.....get Your spankin' stick out and please keep me on my best behavior!

Thanks for stoppin' by!